Desire Avenue

Posted: **Fri Dec 02, 2005 9:28 pm**

Hello everyone,
I have a personalquestion, likein the old days...:
What do you do with the stuff that's left after separating from a partner you lived with or shared things for a long time with?
Do you just bin everything? Do you keep it ?
How do you clean up your head after such a thing?
Isn't it weird to use a coffee machine you used with your ex when you have a new partner?
I don't know. Just random questions like that.

Posted: **Fri Dec 02, 2005 9:52 pm**

I suppose it partly depends on who actually paid for the item and how valuable it is.
If the ex paid for it and its quite valuable then I think they should be contacted and asked for disposal instructions.

If they can't be contacted,if the item has minimal value or if the item was genuinely shared to the point that individual ownership couldn't be claimed,then I think,if there is no sentimental attachment to the item from either partner,it would be ok to dispose of the item as you see fit.

But please don't squabble about who's going to get custody of the goldfish !!

Whats weird (in a funny kind of weird way) is the situation that my girlfriend and I find ourselves in.Because she has children from her previous marraige,there is still on-going ciontact with the ex.

The early days following the break up of their marraige was quite unpleasant but eighteen months on things have now settled down to the point that the ex now spends time back in his former family home babysitting the kids when we're out.
But quite often we're all there together chatting quite amicably.

In fact (girlfriends) ex and I get on really well and chat quite happily together, much to amusement of the slightly confused kids.

Posted: **Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:12 pm**

That's really great when both sides can accept the past story of each other, and especially to the point where you can befriend respective ex's...
But that's not that easy for everyone, for sure.
I remember that great scene in the french movie "Marius et Jeanette", in which two middle aged adults meet and start a love story.
The woman already has 2 kids from different fathers and the man none. She once asks him about his past and he answers: Do we need to talk about it? Do we need to know that we have said the words "I love you" to someone else before?

Well, that was great in the movie at least!

Posted: **Fri Dec 02, 2005 11:25 pm**

That's great, Rob! Love it!

Posted: **Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:11 am**

I did get left with loads of stuff by one ex,which was too loaded.In the end I asked her to take it all away...
BUT I still have stuff from various ex-girlfriends when we were living together,things I associated strongly with them once...but time heals and they don't have much association except a pleasant memory now.
At the end of the day they're THINGS,not soft ,humming emotional,turbulent beings...

Posted: **Sat Dec 03, 2005 11:55 am**

And what do you do with old love letters and photographs...
What can you do with family+holidays with ex phtographs?

Posted: **Sat Dec 03, 2005 1:18 pm**

Elforel wrote:And what do you do with old love letters and photographs...
What can you do with family+holidays with ex phtographs?

hmmm....was she famous?
If so,get them up on eBay

Seriously though,with love letters,destroy them.
Any sentiments expressed in letters were relevant at the time of writing / reading.
But now that time doesn't exist anymore and as you've obviously moved on,its probably best to consign those letters to history and to do so in a permanant way.
You can't let the past dictate the present....or the future.

As for any photos,well perhaps you could just keep one,but whatever you do,keep it well hidden.

Until one day when you're very old and very grey and you can then place it in the book of your life.

Posted: **Sat Dec 03, 2005 2:11 pm**

RobB wrote:
Elforel wrote:And what do you do with old love letters and photographs...
What can you do with family+holidays with ex phtographs?

Until one day when you're very old and very grey and you can then place it in the book of your life.

Well, that was the idea!
Same for the letters though...But I think your advice is very wise...

Posted: **Tue Dec 06, 2005 10:52 am**

Well, but then again...
What do you do if your ex was an artist (and a good one) and that every letter is beautifully arty? And what do you do with the paintings she offered you? Of course I keep them, but it might not be easy for my beloved Madame Elfy to be reminded all the time when seeing them on the walls...
Madame Bluesy, do you have an opinion about that?

Posted: **Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:12 pm**

Elfy,keep them all!! It sounds like you're really unsure about chucking it all,so don't until you're sure.If it's art...ars longa vita brevis.

But put them away somewhere-the pictures in a bank vault or something,and don't be tempted to look at them for a LONG time!
There 's nothing wrong with a bit of nostalgia!
If your wife doesn't like it...well you'd better talk that through with her.Nobody comes to a relationship without a history.

Posted: **Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:54 pm**

I have only a few words of advice.

Don't do anything until you are completely sure.

Always keep in mind your new partner's feelings (especially if you're maried to her)

Time will help with the decision if you're so unsure. Have you asked your lady what she thinks?

Posted: **Tue Dec 06, 2005 1:39 pm**

Well, she just doesn't like to hear about it, since that was a long relationship, she just feels like the gal's everywhere...And that is very unpleasant. For both of us.
She's not asking me to throw it, but she's very uneasy about it.
Keeping it in a box might remain the best solution.
Thank you, my friends

Being in love is wonderful by the way.

Posted: **Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:22 pm**

Elforel wrote:She's not asking me to throw it, but she's very uneasy about it.
Keeping it in a box might remain the best solution.

What?.....the letters/photos or the wife?

Posted: **Tue Dec 06, 2005 3:44 pm**

The letters/photos of course!!!!!!! For the moment, at least...

Posted: **Tue Jan 03, 2006 11:31 pm**

Elforel wrote:Well, but then again...
What do you do if your ex was an artist (and a good one) and that every letter is beautifully arty? And what do you do with the paintings she offered you? Of course I keep them, but it might not be easy for my beloved Madame Elfy to be reminded all the time when seeing them on the walls...
Madame Bluesy, do you have an opinion about that?

Oh lord, that's pretty tough. You'd want to keep these things of course, but how to keep them .....

I'm really not at all sure how I'd deal with it if it was my husband, to be honest. I suspect it would make me very uncomfortable to have visual reminders of a previous relationship around the place, but then I'm horribly cynical about people, I always think the worst.

I can just see me brooding and obsessing about it, then one day my hubbie would come home and find me ripping everything to shreds and screaming about trust and loyalty and respect.

Your wife is undoubtedly a very much nicer person than me though Elfy, so I'm sure you have no such thing to worry about.

I think the main thing is not to take her acceptance of these things for granted. It's good that you've thought about it.

Desire Avenue

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