How To Sing The Blues by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin) 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
12. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
13. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
14. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
15. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
16. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
17. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
18. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
19. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. I don't care.
Do you have what it takes to sing The Blues? :-)
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sound world
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Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb, little lamb
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
It followed her to school one day
School one day, school one day
It followed her to school one day
A blues song without tears
Little lamb, little lamb
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
It followed her to school one day
School one day, school one day
It followed her to school one day
A blues song without tears
I believe in your smile everyday
But I know that you're far from my way
When I talk to the moon I can hear you
In the dark I can see, I can feel your light
But I know that you're far from my way
When I talk to the moon I can hear you
In the dark I can see, I can feel your light
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St. Francis
- Hallway
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Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of cholic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now it's an alcoholic
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
And now it goes to school with her
Between two slices of bread
Oh I am awful.....
[crazy]
It had a touch of cholic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now it's an alcoholic
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
And now it goes to school with her
Between two slices of bread
Oh I am awful.....
[crazy]
"I was the lead in the orphan choir, where I sang with all my might, until I grew up too high..."
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St. Francis
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My sister and I used to have a blues song we made up which went something a bit like this...
Daddy got drunk one Saturday night
And stabbed my poor mama to death with knife
She screamed and she howled, fell dead on the ground
Oh daddy what have you done?
Oh daddy, oh da-a-a-ddy
Oh daddy what have you done
Oh daddy, oh da-a-a-ddy
Oh daddy, what have you done
Daddy got drunk the very next night
And stabbed my poor grandpa to death with a knife
He stumbled and raged then fell dead on his face
Oh daddy what have you done???!!!
...and this continues so forth until the whole family is wiped out or until my dear Gran got very cross with usand told us to shut our nasty little mouths!! We usually sang this on long car trips....
Blame my mother, she let us watch horror films as children which turned us into blood thirsty little demons!!!
Daddy got drunk one Saturday night
And stabbed my poor mama to death with knife
She screamed and she howled, fell dead on the ground
Oh daddy what have you done?
Oh daddy, oh da-a-a-ddy
Oh daddy what have you done
Oh daddy, oh da-a-a-ddy
Oh daddy, what have you done
Daddy got drunk the very next night
And stabbed my poor grandpa to death with a knife
He stumbled and raged then fell dead on his face
Oh daddy what have you done???!!!
...and this continues so forth until the whole family is wiped out or until my dear Gran got very cross with usand told us to shut our nasty little mouths!! We usually sang this on long car trips....
Blame my mother, she let us watch horror films as children which turned us into blood thirsty little demons!!!
"I was the lead in the orphan choir, where I sang with all my might, until I grew up too high..."
[:o] 